Zooming Out: The Long View

 Over the past few years, I have become a happy resident of the long view.  As I age and rediscover my footing as grandmother and retiree, this feeling is amplified by the passing of a parent and the death and illnesses of my aunts and uncles.  Although, you always know it's coming, one day you look around and realize there is no one left of the older generations to ask the questions: do you remember, where did we go on that train trip, who are these people in the photo? It's not so much the feeling of being orphaned as it is taking on the mantle of the sage or crone that ushers the other generations forward; the keeper and teller of the stories.  I first noticed this long view as I watched my daughter mothering her own children.  I remembered the worries that she shared of food and diapers and preschools and the futures into which she was leading them as my own when she was in my arms.  I immediately remembered the stress I felt as a mom but had somehow magically shed as a grandmother.  For the first time I could see the worries on which I had wasted my time and energy.  The kids were fine.  There was no need to be concerned of each meal, each diaper change, friends they would or wouldn't make.  The kids were fine.  That is not to say that those things were not important, only that they would take care of themselves.  

This long view has also granted me the gift of forgiveness. When you are 25 and look back on your life at the mistakes you have made, it is difficult to find the place of understanding how God could love you in spite of it all.  For me, the high school and college years were full of missteps and experimenting with the boundaries of safety and security. I did nothing that you would call dangerous but I definitely tinkered with the lines. Then, as you make the turn toward 40, those errors of your youth are overshadowed by the goodness you have left in your trail; the work you have done, the service of which you have been a part, the love you have given to your parents and children, and the sacrifices you have made in the name of that love. It becomes harder and harder to remember the errors of your past or maybe you purposefully leave them behind and choose not to carry them alongside of your goodness. You live your life stepping forward knowing that you are always moving toward goodness through the next decades of life.  

What followed next for me was the time of coming face to face with the knowledge that I am God's Beloved.  That did not come easily but it did finally come until I could at long last hold the loving gaze as God affirmed, "You are my Beloved; this is my daughter with whom I am well pleased." That led me into Week 1 of the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises.  This week starts with God's great love for us and all that has been provided through the beauty and grandeur of creation.  I fell deeply into that love and spent days in prayer of adoration and giving thanks for all the gifts I have been given.  But then came the time to acknowledge that I haven't always responded to those gifts with thanks and gratitude. I was immediately tossed back to my youth and saying aloud and trying as best I could to believe that I am a sinner but yet still the Beloved.  Only with God can those two facts sit side by side.  These were difficult and tear-filled days.  It took me some time to fully understand what it meant to be loved despite everything; no matter what I do or have done or will do, I am the Beloved.  Nothing can keep me from the love of God.  

In the aftermath of the Spiritual Exercises, I once again zoom out and engage the long view. Much like my years of motherhood, the worries of the missteps of my youth are little more than a pebble on the road of life that needs to be stepped over.  God's love is always present and although I may turn away from time to time, the love waits for me to look back over my shoulder and once again engage with gaze of Love.  I am the Beloved.  Always and forever.  

Final Thoughts on the Spiritual Exercises

God has called me his Beloved.  I am His and He is mine.  The Exercises began exactly where I left off in the cell of El Retiro more than five years earlier, feeling completely enveloped in the love of God and yet fearful of meeting God's deep loving gaze.  The loving gaze of God was something to which I would slowly grow accustomed during the Exercises and learn to welcome.  In the beginning, tears always accompanied this experience.  Who was I that God could love me so deeply?  This was followed by the hollowing out of my ego and sinful self to make room for the loving presence of God that would reside in me forever.  These were days of extreme discomfort and unexplainable tears. When it had passed, my promise was to love, honor, and praise God in my words, thoughts, and actions. I began to say Yes following the model of Mary and I never stopped. Yes to daily prayer, yes to listening for the still, small voice of God in whatever form it took, yes to my loved ones, yes to the call - whatever it might be.

Throughout the Exercises I "heard" God in new and astounding ways. My weekly meetings with Kelly, my Spiritual Guide, taught me to pay attention to the little things, to words and phrases that I repeated n my sharing from week to week or month after month. The result was a primary teacher's Word Wall on my bathroom mirror reminding me daily of how God was working in and through me. God spoke to me in my dreams - a totally new experience for this deep sleeper who has always yearned to remember her dreams. God woke me with songs in my head - some that I hadn't thought of for 30 years and some not since my childhood. What started as a lyrical mystery to be solved soon just became a welcome reminder that God was with me at all times and nudging me into an awareness of that presence in new and beautiful ways. I entered the world of Christian, not specifically Catholic, music and will never be he same. Prayer took over my life as a constant conversation with God. Each morning I started with my email devotionals as I always had but not until I had wished my Beloved a good morning and entered into deep gratitude for what may lie ahead in this day. I delayed my rising just to be in the loving presence of God. I felt his love surround me as I lay in the hollow of His cupped hands. I never found a systematic prayer time for the Exercises but I looked forward each day to sitting in my prayer chair and saying Hello to the God who was always waiting for my greeting. I learned to begin with quiet music to calm my head and after a few minutes would look up to hold God's loving gaze, the small act that would lead me into new and deeper understandings of my faith, my love, and myself. Ignatian Contemplation did not come easily to me but as I stuck with it (thanks once again, to encouragement from Kelly) the world of scripture as I had known it was broken wide open. Readings I had heard in church for decades, had read numerous reflections about , and had even taught in Religion classes suddenly held great epiphanies of what Jesus was all about and on a personal level, God's plan for me. As I traveled with Jesus during his ministry, God revealed to me what my own journey had been and what He still had in store for me. God spoke to me in my thoughts but they were easily recognizable as being of and from Him. He was now in my head and heart and spirit. My daily walks became time to give thanks for creation; I learned to slow down and embrace all that had been given to me; to give thanks to be in this place in this time. My days were filled with gratitude and I was finally learning to live in the moment and to be intentional. I could feel God's presence throughout my day and at times it was overwhelmingly powerful. Just as I started my days with God I looked forward to ending them there as well. In the daily Examen, God and I went through the day together, sharing all the people and events that held grace for me and were messages of where God was leading me. I finally understood the power of this simple prayer and how it leads to discernment ever so gently and assuredly day by day.

The urge became stronger and stronger to return home to the loving embrace of my family and friends, to my spiritual home of the Mission Church, to the work that had been left unfinished at Sacred Heart Nativity School. The voices were many; Lucia, my granddaughter whose dreams I will never again doubt, my mom who constantly found new ways to say she didn't need me in Florida and it was OK to leave, my friends who revealed to me that my presence would be a loving balm to their wounds; but more than all of these was the call of Jesus to return to the Eucharist. The only thing that all of these voices shared was their location - HOME. So the release began. I opened my tight fisted-hold on my home, my possessions, my plan and embraced the unmarked trail that was God's plan for me and me alone. I learned, for the first time in my life, to put my complete trust in a presence beyond that of my head or heart. I embraced Ignatius's prayer, the Suscipe and it became part of my daily mantra. (Take Lord, receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, my entire will - all I have and possess. You have given all to me, Now I return it. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give me only your love and your grace, that's enough for me.) I took on the easy yoke of Jesus and learned to love as He did, to leave my possessions behind and follow Him, and to look at the world through his compassionate eyes.

The me that I was, has been, and continues to change. I look forward to what God has planned for me as I listen for His voice in prayer, contemplation, music, and my dreams. I sit back and wait patiently, knowing that all God has planned for me is goodness. I was reminded of this at a recent homily about how God answers prayers - he responds with yes, not yet, or I have a better idea. I am trusting completely in all three of these answers as I discern God's plan for all the grace and blessings that wait for me in the days and years ahead.

My Response to the Contemplation on the Kingdom of God

 My Lord and Savior, I come to you with all that I am and offer it for your service.  In partnership with you and your disciples, I lay my gifts at your feet to be used as you deem important in the work of spreading Your Goodness and love throughout the world.  I wish to follow your model in trusting in God's protection that I might conquer the fear of bearing personal pain as I stand beside you in the work ahead.  I offer you unending praise, glory, and love to magnify Your being.  I offer you my YES if that is what you desire.  If I can be of service in the work at hand, I ask You to use my words, my prayers, and my actions in order to fulfill the purpose for which I was created.  

Contemplation on the Incarnation

 At the beginning of what's known as the Second Week of the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises, I entered into the Contemplation of the Incarnation. It has found a home in my heart and head and given me new ways of looking at others and moving in the world.

In this meditation, St. Ignatius invites us to imagine the Trinity looking down upon the earth and seeing it filled with human beings. We are invited to use our imaginations to ponder what the Trinity sees and notices in gazing upon all the people. Ignatius adds a few thoughts on what we might see: some healthy, others sick, some weeping, and others laughing. He invites us to notice the blindness and aimlessness and to hear how people are talking to each other. Finally, he invites us to hear the Trinity say, “Let us work the redemption of the human race,” as God plans to send the angel to Mary and then watches as the Incarnation is set into motion.

As I began this contemplation, I envisioned the Trinity looking down at the world and all they survey. They are first struck by the beauty of it all. This creation is still absolutely stunning to witness. The zoomed out lens which they are viewing is that familiar sight that today we recognize as The Blue Marble, the picture taken by the Apollo 17 crew of Earth from space. As their focus narrows, they take in the forests, mountains and oceans still teaming with the flora and fauna that came into being so long ago. Their view continues to come into focus and they take in the glory of the abundant colors - the colors of people - fair-skinned and dark-skinned, the colors of their clothing, brightly hued. As they rest in this moment these human beings create an amazing tapestry beyond description. As their vision comes closer and closer, the sounds of these beautiful people become audible. There is the joyful laughter of children playing and the gentle hum of people working together for the greater good. But soon, those harmonious sounds are overpowered by loud and coercive voices. These are the sounds of adults yelling at one another, calling each other names. The Divine soon realize that what appeared to be diversity has now revealed itself to be division. People are not listening to each other and so many are being led by greed and power. The new god of worship is domination over rather than loving with.

As the gaze of the Trinity takes it all in, they realize that this is something that is not going to fix itself. Somehow, they are going to have to intervene. They need a plan and the time is now. They are Divine Love and they soon realize that they must start again and create the rebirth of love in this, Their beloved people. What better way could love be reborn than in the incarnation of God in the Baby Jesus? They agree that Jesus will be sent with the Holy Spirit to guide Him in his human form. In this way, God's people can once again know Him, love Him and come to serve Him through their love for one another.

While They are deeply distraught at all They have seen, They are also reassured that love will win in the end. Each person on Earth has been born with the spark of God's being. It is always there and can never be extinguished. As each of us loves into existence all that we can be, so will each person with whom we come in contact. This is hope in its truest sense. You and I and everyone living has the power of one. As I encounter God's presence within me and I become my best self, my love and service emanates into the world and it ripples outward to my friends, family, and strangers with whom I interact.

So, as the Trinity take in the beauty and brokenness of the world They are confident that Their love will overpower greed and division. Jesus will be born in the lowest possible form and will save the world.  

Morning Offering

 Dear God, thank you for the gift of this new day.  I pray that whatever waits for me will serve as a blessing to you.  Lord, I offer everything that I will think, do , or say and dedicate it to your service.  Please protect me and keep me close to your side.  Help me keep your commandments and seek divine goodness.  Guide me in sharing all that I have with those who may be in need in order that I might see your face in everyone that I encounter.  At the end of the day, may I return to you in gratitude with open hands and a loving heart so that all I have been given is returned to you. 

Amen

The First Principle and Foundation

 As is every other human being, I am the incarnate image of God and as such, am God’s beloved.  My greatest desire is to live in that love forever.  In an effort to return that infinite love, I promise to praise, honor, and serve God.  

Everything I have is created by God and has been gifted for my use and protection.  God has given me access to anything that might be of assistance in honoring my creator.  I yearn to know God more fully and to continually return that great love with the  help of the gifts that have been bestowed upon me.  

Hence as a steward of creation, I promise to protect the earth and everything in it so these gifts can be used to glorify God.  However, no part of creation can ever take the place of God nor impede me from returning God’s love.  Everything must work toward the single goal of praising God.  

It is important that I keep all of creation in balance so that I can seek and return God’s love.  Everything in creation has value only to the extent that it can be used by all of humanity to serve God.  There is no preference for health or sickness, wealth or poverty, success or failure, life or death as each of these can be conducive to searching out God’s love and calling forth our loving response.  The only choice that needs to be made is the determination of what will deepen God’s love in me.  

Neither can I be the obstacle that  stands in the way of responding to God’s love.  I cannot hide behind my ego and self-will or the walls of protection that I have built to make myself believe that I am serving God when in actuality I have replaced God’s will with my own.  

God is alive in me and together we will work to co-create the earthly journey of my human existence so that I might be the voice and hands of God at work in the world.  As God’s love is revealed to me, my response will be to live out the love of God that surrounds and protects me.  

A Journey Inward

  I am preparing to take off on a new journey inside.  For several years I had yearned to do the Spiritual Exercises, a 30 day Ignatian retreat at El Retiro in Los Altos, California.  But while teaching, preparing to teach, and learning what to teach, it never fit into my summer schedule.  Now that I was retired there was time, but I could no longer get to El Retiro for 30 days.  Then it fell into my lap.  My friend, Nancy told me about an at-home retreat that was sponsored by Santa Clara University.  It is an hour of prayer a day for  9 months along with weekly spiritual direction.  So I am taking off on an inward journey.  I know it will be enlightening, joyful, painful, and difficult.  I also know that I will be a fuller, more complete person when May comes.  Pray for me.